Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Wise advice
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.