Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?