Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is