Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
is it earth
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”