Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You Might Also Like
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Waiting for the Charmin
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
britain’s three elite institutions
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.