Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.