Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.