Best spoiler warning ever
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Breaking news:
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own