Best spot.. 😅
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God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
What if all the cashiers are married?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
my retirement plan is braless
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious