best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
This is why I hate group projects
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.