best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
bout dat hot dog summer
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?