Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*