Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂