Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Netflix and awkward silence?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.