Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
smh
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.