Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
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i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Still cracks me up
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out