Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
craving $300 all of a sudden
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.