Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
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[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads