bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.