BETRAYAL
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
bro what is going on at twitter
This is Sparta
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.