Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Can. I. Help. You.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’m calling the cops.