“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there