“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.