“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
You Might Also Like
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast