Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.