“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.