Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
You Might Also Like
thank god
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay