Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are