Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.