Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”