beware of dog
You Might Also Like
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.