beware of dog
(jukin media)
You Might Also Like
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would鈥檝e been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
馃槀馃挴
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
lowe鈥檚 manager: so鈥ou want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm鈥ow about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn鈥檛 spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you鈥檒l be driving my car
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.