Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway