Beware of the “party goblin”…
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?