Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.