Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle