BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
selena gomez
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*