Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Good morning y’all ☀️
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.