Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

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[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit


Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe


Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.


A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”


[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very


wife *resting after surgery*
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”


If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.


pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign