Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT