Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Smells like a challenge to me
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat