Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars