@NotthatAdamWest

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

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@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

@KindaHagi

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

@bakwasowski

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

@coffeeandvinyl1

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

@NeilBensch

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@MadamBetteNoire

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?