I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?