Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
You might want to sit down
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare