Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”


Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you


Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.


Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?




If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something


[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
You might want to sit down