@NotthatAdamWest

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

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@thewritertype

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@pleatedjeans

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

@raymondh3h3

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

@DanMentos

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down