Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
can’t wait til they legalize outside
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
No regrets in 2018
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth