Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

He died doing what he loved: being alive

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door