BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.