beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on