BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus