BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”