BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
what are they serving at kfc then???
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
No way!
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah