BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When you’re Kinky but poor
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
when you are just born a rebel