Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*


If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way


It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.


My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.


“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.


Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars


[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”