@broken_rhi

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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@DurtMcHurtt

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

@Hurly_Burly

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

@Shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

@osigat

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

@DadandBuried

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

@Up2Long

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

@murrman5

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”