bias laundering edition
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If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
saw this in a dream
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I would like even faster food.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!